Queen of the Jumble

With funding from dozens of news outlets and media companies, the groundbreaking Outkube.com launched this week, providing an online destination where pandering and incendiary content is used to lure moronic Internet commenters away from all other websites.

According to sources, Outkube boasts thousands of articles and forums carefully crafted to draw in dim-witted web users and effectively quarantine obtuse, uninformed comments on topics such as gay rights, Ryan Gosling, the threat of Sharia law in the U.S., health care reform, whether Kobe is better than LeBron, Jewish control of the government and media, the New York Jets, the Second Amendment, and professional wrestler John Cena.

Most stories on the site are reportedly preloaded with several witless and profanity-laden comments specially designed to incite retaliatory remarks.

“Outkube provides an immensely valuable public service,” said YouTube CEO Salar Kamangar, one of the decoy website’s founders and principal investors. “With its unparalleled expanse of sensational content and lack of filters or character limits on postings, Outkube attracts the broadest possible spectrum of jabbering halfwits—from paranoid reactionaries to know-it-all pricks to racists to plain old dumbfucks.”

—The Onion (via cajunboy)

Yessss. We need this. Damn you, Onion, for taunting us with this utopia.